Tuesday, March 04, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 1
The only thing we have is to fear ourselves
Because we can’t control every aspect of ourselves
Because we don’t know every aspect of ourselves
Because we think we know it all
Because we pretend to know it all
Because we don’t pay attention to our dreams
Because we’re all assholes…
And I think I know why, do you?
Because it’s really really scary
To really get to know yourself
And do you know why?
Because you’re no damn good
And you can’t believe it
And it will make you feel real low
To find out your no damn good
Here’s the solution…
Write one thousand ways you are a bad person
Then look in the mirror and recite them
Try not to crack the mirror
I am at a resounding 13
I have quite a ways to go
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 2
Category: Romance and Relationships
We say things to each other the wrong way
Neither one of us wants to say it wrong
It just comes out in not as nice a way as it could
If we had just met and were strangers…
Either we would have said it nicer
Or it would have been easier to overlook
We’re both tired and and dismissive to each other
Because we just want to be understood
And we just say things the way they come out
And don’t care how it comes out or sounds
Maybe in 30 more years or so
We’ll be able to have a conversation
Without having hurt feelings between us
Then again maybe not
Some things never get worked out
Thursday, March 06, 2008
“It’s Not You It’s Me” – Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 3
Category: Friends
Breakups sure can be weird
One moment you’re making love
The next you’re yelling at each other
“I can’t stand you, get out!”
One person pointing east
One person pointing west…
Lee had visions of me
Sleeping with other women
Her stupid fogged up god
Gave her goggle eyed visions…
Though I occassionally thought
About sleeping with her sister…
Then Lee became a Nun
I was pissed
She dressed in that shit
We meet,”Congrats,” I said.
Then to break the ice
“Don’t ever forget that your pussy hair,
And my beard are the same color
Remember, I matched them up…
I made a Nun piss her pants
Saturday, March 08, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 4
I put the kitchen garbage can over my head
I wasn’t trying to be a smartass at the time
But because I was frustrated with my woman
Around the end of the month when the bills pile
My woman shuts down, except to blame me
She’s scared that a month will come that we…
We will not be able to catch up and we will…
End up on the street next to the garbage
So I was tired of the fear and of being blamed
So, I put the garbage can over my head
I stood there not moving at all
I heard my woman yelling at me…
“What are you doing? What are you doing?”
I hoped she understood that I was robot man
I hoped she understood my frustration with her
I hoped she saw how things were actually better
When the broom stick hit the can and I went down
I didn’t understand what happened at first…
I felt like I was on the gong show
And my act was to be a gong
And they banged the wrong gong
When my act was cancelled
When the ringing stopped
I took off my garbage can from my head
And saw that my woman was laughing
Everything was back to normal
What would I do at the end of next month?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 5
Category: Parties and Nightlife
One Night Stand Up
Tried stand up comedy in the eighties
Met a lot of sad people on drugs
But it was this one girl who made me go away
I picked her up at Dangerfield’s
For a one night stand… up
We were both promising to be funny one day
In bed, she was half naked, I was semi-erect
She kept twirling my balls,like loaded dice
She didn’t even blow on them
Before she threw them across the room
Snake eyes
Then and then do you know what she did?
Her focus was squarely squirrelly
She began to organize for winter nut burial
My penis did not have to be in the room
She tried to jam my balls in her hairy bushy pussy
She kept kneeding them like she was rolling pizza
Dough
Doh!
Though the next day she thanked me for a good time
I would rather have gotten hit in the nuts with a
Hard baseball
Happened to me when I was a kid
Hunched over the next day
I decided comedy was not for me
Saturday, March 15, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 6
Category: Romance and Relationships
The woman started drinking again
She came from a family of drinkers
The kids were brought to bars
When I first met her
I thought she was on roller skates
She was just drinking on the streets
Having rock-n-roll cocktails
She got sober and I liked her
We got married and had no kids
I didn’t understand why
Till she started drinking again
She is a rock-n-roll star
She’d go to bars to live a dream
I stayed home and dreamt my dreams…
One night I was woken by a horrible crash
Naked, I ran to the window still in a deep sleep
My wife wasn’t home, and I freaked
I opened the window and almost fell out
I’m a big hairy scary men to some
There was a Hispanic kid viewing the accident
I screamed out to him,
“Do you see a white woman down there?
He looked up, froze when he saw me
He looked at me like I was Moby Dick
Or maybe he thought I sounded like Ahab
Finally, with trepidition he shrugged his shoulders
“I don’t see no white woman”
She was fine
But the relationship was over
Sunday, March 16, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 7
Category: Romance and Relationships
It was not love at first sight
We met at Danceteria
Spitting at each other
We liked each other enough
And I wanted to get laid
She said she had a metal bar in her head
Shrapnel from a bad childhood
I took it metaphorically
But she would have set off a detector
She worked as a nanny for twiggy’s kid
Folks were doing cocaine back then
The casualty wanted to get married
I had nothing penciled in that week
It was my big chance
To be a knight in shitting armor
Would you be surprized if
I told you it didn’t work out
Really great fights
Verbal Ali-Frazier bouts
In their heyday
Like Norman Mailer we could start a fight
At a party that everybody would leave
Once everybody was gone
We would eat the dip silently and leave
One day she says,”O.K. it’s not working…
Let’s pretend to be other people…
Who do you want me to be?”
“I want you to be Marcel Marceau.”
I never got to ask who she wanted me to be
And that’s the only regret I have
Monday, March 17, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Collection Of Inner Dialogues 8
Category: Romance and Relationships
Girlfriend 1 was mob connected…
We’re making out at 1 A.M. on her couch
An alarm goes off and her dad comes out
He’s scratching his ass and makes coffee
“What’s going on?”
“He’s going to the airport.
He’s got a business.”
“What kind of business?”
“I don’t know.”
After a year and a half I break up with 1
In two weeks I’m dating 1’s best friend
She becomes girlfriend 2
I don’t really feel bad for 1
I’ve moved on…
After a year and a half girlfriend 2
Goes away to college
She comes home for Thanksgiving
She asks me if I still love her
When I answer yes
She tells me about her new boyfriend
I am the turkey being carved the next day…
That summer I start dating girlfriend 3
She lives in girlfriend 2’s apartment building
One day girlfriend 3 and I
Run into 1 and 2 by the elevator
1 and 2 clearly are friends again
We all ride in awkward silence in elevator
Girlfriend 3 starts cracking up hysterically
“I’ll be fucking your old boyfriend in 2 minutes.”
All you could hear was the squeeky elevator
We were fucking in 2 minutes
3 was laughing and laughing
I gotta say I felt good that day
But now I feel kind of shitty
Not really but I should
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
My Anti-Hallmark Sentiments – Milli Bocci 9
Category: Food and Restaurants
She stole my cash register
But I guess I owe her
Honey was here real name
I met her in a small chocolate shop
It was off of St. Marks in the 80’s
Honey looked like Bridgette Bardot
I was buying chocolate for another girl
I stood there eating the chocolate
And drooling over my Dutch treat
Honey didn’t think like other people…
She was a bit of a trouble maker
Which made her all the more interesting…
Here’s a couple of examples:
There was this huge drunken American Indian
Who used to beg for money On Avenue A
Honey stopped and put a dollar in his cup
He said “Thank You”
She said,”Sheventy five shents change please”
I remember rubbing my face
He didn’t want to give it up
I’m not afraid of big guys but this was a monster
We stood there for five minutes
Before he got scared of Honey
And gave her, her change on a dollar
What was she thinking?
Honey never loved me
She loved some Dutch guy back home
After a couple of months together
She had to go back to him
We went to Little Italy for milli bocci
I knew a great place for it
When we got there,she said,”I can’t go there”
Apparently, I was bringing her to a place
Where she robbed the cash register
She said,”They owed her the money”
We found another place with inferior milli bocci
I started crying about losing Honey
She stood up in the restaurant and lifted her dress
She lifted her dress right over her head
For two minutes I sat in shock looking at her
The patrons put down their dessert spoons
After a couple of minutes she said,
“Are you still crying?”
I wasn’t and she put down her dress
We sat and ate our crappy milli bocci
We kissed our last goodbyes
She stole my cash register that night
But I guess I owed her
Friday, April 04, 2008
Anti-Hallmark Sentiment Number 10
Category: Romance and Relationships
I dated a girl who collected painful relationships
Now, I’ve had my share of painful relationships
But I didn’t go out of my way to create them
This woman went out of her way
To find a way into a man’s heart
And as soon as love was mentioned
It was her cue to break up with him
Somewhere on her vanity is a bottle
Filled with picket fences and kids
Who were only imagined
By men who once said,
“I can live with this woman forever”
And she found a way
To turn this imagination into a curse
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Anti-Hallmark Sentiment Number? Jeez, There Are So Many, I Forgot
Category: Romance and Relationships
Anti- HallMark Sentiment Number?…
Jeez, There Are So Many I Forgot
Unfortunately,
There is only so much make-up and break-up sex you can have
Eventually,
You either really have to break-up and not see each other anymore… or
In Desperation
You have to agree to stay together forever!
But,
Still we can dream of the moment we both agree to go our seperate ways
But first,
Fuck our brains out and then say
“See ya later crabby.”
And not really mean the see ya later part
But really mean the crabby part
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Anti-Hallmark Sentiment July 1,2008
Category: Friends
I have a wicked smile on my face
I’m 48 years odd now
20 years ago I dated girls who were 20
Such hardship and misery for everyone
Now they are 40 and that makes me happy…
They are no longer difficult
Life has worn them down and they’ve given up
I look like a Prince to them now
Because I have two beautiful kids
I cook and clean and I don’t drink
Still, I’ve remained a kind of asshole
But now I have a kind of appeal
Still, I don’t want anything to do with them
But it puts a wicked smile on my face
I know, I know, I’m not very nice
But I already told you
That I’m kind of an asshole
And you weren’t there 20 years ago
When they aged me
And not like cheese or fine wine
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Anti Hallmark Sentiment – July 9, 2008
Category: Sports
I spent many years
With many different women
I am an expert at…
The long bad relationship
Sometimes, I wanted to run away
Halfway through the first date…
But I stayed forever
And all the women turned into my mother
And it didn’t feel good… until…
I’d say,”It’s over”
And she’d say,”Yes, it’s over”
So many good positive break-ups
Monday, July 28, 2008
Anti-Hallmark Sentiment July 28,2008
She cannot see me
She won’t look in my eyes
I am in too much pain
And it makes her crazy
She starts acting out
And gets all weird
She calls me too many times
To see if I’m o.k.
She knows only one of us
Can afford to be in pain at a time
So, she is taking over my pain
With pains of her own
And now survival takes over
And I change everybody’s diaper
I try to comfort her pain
But I sure would like to feel my own
Even though my pain is forever
It never lasts longer than…
A couple of days
She knows that
But it still hurts her so…
So what!?
Friday, August 22, 2008
Anti-Hallmark Sentiment August 21,2008
Category: Romance and Relationships
For Richard Harris
We practically had sex on the dancefloor
She pried my penis away from her peel
And wrote her number on my hand
I went home and jerked that hand off
Called the jumbled numbers the next day
I took her out to a nice quiet restaurant
She began the interview process
Questions like,”Would you raise kids in the city?”
Where do you stand on God?
Easy enough to answer but I wasn’t going to
I told her
I was just looking for some part-time filler work
I didn’t realize this was a full time schtup
I’m sorry you feel bad about our first encounter
We skipped dessert
I gave her my umbrella
And understood how someone could
Leave a cake out in the rain
Oh and I stand on his shoulders
Friday, August 22, 2008
Anti-Hallmark Sentiment August 22, 2008
Category: Games
She took out her pussy
And put it on the table
I remained poker face
“Wow, you do have a royal flush”
Her cards went flying
I bandaged her wounds
Never regreted not getting laid
Well, we each have a story to tell
But I wonder if she says it
The same way I do
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Numb Lips Of The Casual Kiss Goodbye – Anti Hallmark August 27, 2008
Category: Romance and Relationships
The numb lips of the casual kiss goodbye…
That weird moment
When you meet to break-up
It has to be in person
Even though you’re not sure why
Who made the call?
You’re not sure anymore
It’s done, it’s over…
But you are still sitting in each other’s presence
If you guys were to die now
They may keep you together for eternity
You are both staring blankly
Like at an ocean that has no waves
Mutual friend with dog walks by
Dog licks both of you on face
Friend invites you guys to gathering
You both nod
Friend with dog leaves
Wet slobber starts to dry weirdly in patches on your face…
Neither one of you will attend this gathering
However, you both consider fighting for rights
To see whose friend is this after all
And the dog loves who more than you?
You both want to blubber
But instead you blabber
And when it’s all said and done…
The numb lips of the casual kiss goodbye
Friday, September 12, 2008
Anti Hallmark Sentiment – September 11, 2008
Category: Romance and Relationships
In 1977, I was 17 and emerging
The 17 year old girl in my life was normal
And that was the problem
I was still normal at the time
I was all those successful school things
Senator, Captain of the tennis team
Honor student etcetera etcetera
But I didn’t know that I didn’t want to be
Drugs and alcohol never really came into play
I loved noisier edgy rock and roll
The young miss loved Billy Joel
She said to me
“If you buy another Patti Smith record
I will break up with you!”
One night while making love to her in her bed
She heard a noise and said
“Oh my God, my father is home early.”
This was not a man to mess with
He had a business at the airport
His wife did not know what he did
He homemade sausages for Frank Sinatra
And airmailed it to him for Christmas
I wanted to get my dick out of there
It was still wrapped in the condom
Her teddy bares scattered
I mean her teddy bears were all over
My pants were on and I was gone
I ran into friends going to Patti Smith
At the show
Patti Smith masturbated as she sang
Then she ‘d walk almost offstage and vomit
I became excited
My traumatized dick began to emerge
It felt really weird
Like moving around in a raincoat
And things are dripping in at angles
I bet no one else had a condom on
I felt innocently original
The young miss found out I went to the show
She broke up with me
It did feel like I cheated on her
But I was young and emerging
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Anti Hallmark Sentiment – September 20, 2008
Category: Romance and Relationships
I bend over at the waist
Not to give the girl respect
But to show her I can blow myself
Her services are no longer needed
Well, she left me all knotted up
My cock dangled my neck like a tie…
This was my first wife
There were many problems
There will be more thoughts later
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment January 11, 2009
Category: Romance and Relationships
I lived in Israel in 1974
I was a horny 14 year old
Romantic notions as well…
I bought this girl a Koala bear
And snuck it into her backpack
She screamed in the middle of class
She thought a rat was in her bag
Then she realized she had an admirer
She was so excited
She got called into the Principal’s
For being disruptive…
When she finds out it was me
The girl was disappointed
I think she said
“You are American
And can’t speak Hebrew well”
I only was in the country a year
I don’t even really know
What she really said…
We were sent to a Moshav
In the north of the country
It’s a cooperative farm
All the men were in the Army
Or dead from the War going on…
My class worked the fields
Long days in the cotton fields
Gunfire at night…
I was a big kid with a beard
14 and I looked like a man
They gave me an Uzi machine gun
And they taught me how to use it
Nobody liked sitting opposite me
When I had the machine gun
And the road was bumpy…
I hooked up with two girls
One was a beautiful Argentinian
And the other was Yemenite
The three of us would make out
There was no sex
Just heavy petting and kissing
I received star status from my class
I mean they would watch us
From the cabin under rocket fire
We weren’t supposed to be outside
Outside with gunfire
And making out in a menage a trois
We couldn’t even speak to each other
We really liked each other
The three of us dated for a while
I don’t know two weeks
I’m laughing now…
But it felt natural
Nobody was scared
Or if we were
We didn’t know it then
We weren’t ashamed…
I was a happy kid
I was living a Penthouse letter
Before I ever read a letter
Back in Tel Aviv
Back in the classroom
I said hello to Orli
The girl with the Koala bear
She broke down and cried
Two years after I moved back
Back to Queens and being a kid
I’d get love letters from Orli
Monday, January 12, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment January 12, 2009
Category: Games
I dated a stripper for a while
Fake tits with a tight ass
I wasn’t allowed to touch either…
Sex with her was boring
She had many rules
There was no improvisation…
She loved Adam Sandler movies
When I told her I was Jewish
She became very quiet
She was Lebanese from Arizona
I told her I had family in Arizona
Even though I didn’t
She lived near the store
One day she said she was moving
I knew that meant goodbye
I went over to her place
We had bad sex one last time
I knew it was going to be bad
Still, what the hell
I brought a bag of confetti with me
Even though it wasn’t New Year’s
After the bad sex
We threw the confetti down
From her great balcony
We watched it snowflake down
And waved to the people passing
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment July 2, 2009 -Shut The Fuck Up
Category: Romance and Relationships
She is mad at me
And giving me the
Silent treatment
All I said was
“Shut the fuck up”
And now she did
I function real well
With lots of silence
I like it better
I hate raised voices
Repeating the same
Sentiment over and over
She looks at me
She wants to
Rip out my heart
She looks at me
She wants to
Peel my skin off
She starts to cry
The cherished quiet
Is about to end
Friday, July 03, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment July 3, 2009 – Bounty Hunters
Category: Romance and Relationships
I ask my wife if she wants to fuck
She tells me to go get my girlfriend
So, I go get my bounty
And travel from Spithead to Tahiti…
Bligh is giving Christian the evil eye
Ten months at sea
Is a cross to bear
In the morning we both go bounty hunting
The paper towel has disintegrated
Or sunk beneath the troubled bed sea
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment July 7, 2009 -You Can Tell Me Anything
Category: Food and Restaurants
Anti-Hallmark Sentiment
“You Can Tell Me Anything”
My woman asks me,”What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I reply
“No, tell me, I know
Something is bothering you.”
“I’d rather not, it’s personal.”
“You have to tell me,” she hugged me
“You can tell me anything?”
“What if I were having an affair?”
“That’s fine.”
“What if I took the rent money
And gambled it all away?”
“I will deal with anything
That you need to tell me.”
“I’m bummed you ate
The entire box of cookies”
“How dare you bring that up”
She stormed out the room
I search for a candy bar
In all the secret nooks and crannies
Of that damned cabinet
Friday, July 10, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment July 10,2009 – Who Will Die First, Love
Category: Romance and Relationships
Anti- Hallmark Sentiment – Who Will Die First?
My wife and I look at each other
I know we are wondering who will die first
We both want each other to die first
Ah, to be rid of the bickering
And the stagnation
Ah, to live the rest of our lives
Without listening to each other
With our grating voices
And our irritating neurosis
Whichever one of us dies first
We are just happy that this thing
Will thank god not last forever
And someone will die before the other
It’s a waiting game
We nod to each other
We know you probably don’t get it
But if you think about it
We really are in love
And you should be so lucky
To have what we have
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment July 11,2009 – My Honest Opinion
Category: Romance and Relationships
“I need your advice,” she says
“I’ll give you my honest opinion
Or I’ll give you the answer
I think you want to hear”
“Give me your honest opinion”
“If I give you my honest opinion
You will get mad at me
It’s much better if I answer it
With what you want to hear”
“No! Give me your honest opinion”
“O.K. my honest opinion is
Do whatever you want
Whatever you think is right, do it
I will support it, no matter what”
She looks at me cross
“Be careful in your sleep”
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment July 25,2009 The Ghost Erection of Phantom Love
Category: Romance and Relationships
The Ghost Erection Of Phantom Love
I thought I cut her out of my life
But in my heart is a ghost
And my cock has a phantom erection
No wait,
She amputated the love
And my heart is a stone…
And my cock is in love
No wait…
She amputated my cock
And my heart is…
A phantom limbish organ
Still beating
But still,
In the morning
I look down the sheet
At my ghost erection
Of my phantom limb
I mean…
My ghost erection
Of my phantom love
Is a stone cold…
I miss her head stone
Stone cold love
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Anti Hallmark Sentiment August 6,2009 – Go Fuck A Stranger Day
Category: Romance and Relationships
I would like to see a holiday called
“Go Fuck A Stranger Day”
No negative connotation
Should be attached to this holiday
I mean, I guess
People celebrate this holiday
Everyday of the week
They just keep it to themselves
And don’t announce this holiday
To their loved ones
They just do it
I am a middle aged man
In my seventh year of marriage
“The Go Fuck A Stranger Day” holiday
Can’t come soon enough for me
I have been celebrating
“Go Jerk Off About Whoever You Want Day”
My entire life
And it’s getting old
Real old
It also doesn’t hold the same cache
As “Go Fuck A Stranger Day”
